Category: Life is what you make it♥

Take it easy on yourself!

 “When all goes bad, and you think it’ll never get better just remember; Everything happens for a reason, and It will all get better in time.”- unknown

image

Hello readers!:)
My blog before this was going to be a very nasty(mean) reply to some idiot who decided it was funny to say something stupid to me on here but I learned that these are people from the past who are in the past for a reason even though they can’t seem to accept it….
So in a better mood and mindset…

Ever have days when you see your life flash before your eyes with “What if’s”  and how your life could have been if somethings wouldn’t have happened or wouldn’t be happening?

I have days like that, especially seeing on how much my life has changed over the past three years…

Before three years ago, I had a plan for everything School, Family, my future, love, friends and over all my entire life.

I guess I figured that as long as I stuck to the plan nothing could ever go wrong. I didn’t think I ever gave love or friends a reason to hurt and betray me. I never thought I could posably hurt anyone I loved with all my life. I never believed my mom would be hit with this ugly cancer “I mean there is no way right after all the things we have been through “Not us” right?” I figured things can’t ever get worse for me right? and my plans with my education did not go as planned either.

I tought I had it all figured out from never moving back home to when I would have all my degrees and jobs by to when I would start my future with a family and kids and a just “Oh so wonderful life” I truly had it all figured out, but I was partly wrong…

I guess I have learned that anything really CAN happen. That people will hurt you and that its natural to screw things up because we are all human. I learned that god will test your faith and throw off your path to see if you keep pushing to find your way.

Now dont think I’ve lost my focus… unlike others my dreams are still the same. I still want to end up in forensic psychology. My goal is to get into the criminal field as soon as possible and Im still pushing for degrees all the way till my PH.D, I still more then anything want a family of my own and a wonderful husband to share that with. I still believe in loving till death and getting married at church someday because I found my teammate and partner in crime not for any other reason. I believe in the mac to my cheese and that nothing will ever separate what we represent. And I still like always pray for all of those around me and that god allows my family and I to share a long and beautiful life together before death knocks at our doors.

and Im okay because I know that no matter what has happened if your patient everything will fall into place…

I mean yes its human nature to always wonder “What if?” I had or hadnt done that or said this or that instead…

However if your reading this and you can relate just remember…

Even when it seems like you see the end of a road it really isnt. EVERYTHING truly does happen for a reason, and whats ment to be will happen no matter what.

So, take it easy on yourself (I know its hard trust me) Take it easy on the past, dont dwell and wish it all the best, my favorite thing to say to the past and all bad is… “82 kisses and many good wishes”. Dont try to make sense of it all because it probably will NEVER make sense anyway, dont allow it to stay because the past can haunt like a ghost if you allow it.

You just have to relax, live by the moment and try to enjoy the ride.  Let go of everything internally and put it in gods hands (or who/whatever you believe in)

And finally what I seem to find really hard to do but I know will help me and anyone else…

Let go of the need to evaluate and analyse everything that has happened or will happen in your life!

Sending you peaceful vibes;
Kbeautifulmind

Anything rushed has a chance of failure…

image

I threw a surprise babyshower for my sister yesterday and to my experience it all worked out and looked wonderful!:)
After the party was over and we finished cleaning up my family and I along with my uncle and auntie and other family members sat around just hanging out.
My uncles wife said to me..
“Wow Kelsey this was the nicest shower Ive ever been to, you really have an eye for creativity when is it your turn?”
Of course I burst out in laughter that I almost spit out the water I was drinking…
and I said to her…
“Anything rushed has a chance of failure, my boyfriend and I have only been together for a year and a half, you dont truly know someone at a year and a half and starting a life together right now would be stupid…”
Well everyones ears went up and my uncle said “Your grandma got married at 15 years old had 16 of us and only loved one man and was with one man till the day he died… your 23, in mexico people would be wondering whats wrong with you?”
I just laughed and said “well maybe I’m a weird tio” and ended the conversation there…
Talking to them would be setting myself up for a head ache and annoyance because they are so old school its either that or ignorant (no offense I still love them all)
Now don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that all people that get married young or have kids at a young age are setting them selves up for failure but what I am saying is that you shouldn’t have to rush into anything thats real when its real it just happens and it will stay that way no matter what happeneds.
When love is true it lives in your heart forever no matter what…

“Rushing to live for the now instead of looking to live for forever” is the mistake many people in todays generation are making…

And thats why divorce has increased to the extream in this decade…

Although Im so excited for my soon to come niece, my sister can vouch for me that when she told me she was pregnant I flipped, and her and her boyfriend have been together for over 5 years now but I still believed they should have waited.

You see I believe that LOVE is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have known each other for a quarter of a century. However Im not stating that I’m going to wait a quarter of a century to have kids or get married but I am going to make sure before I take any of these steps that the love I have with me is a gift not a need. I’m going to make sure that Im getting married or having kids with the person that I’m with for all the right reasons, not for money or benefits, or to rush into it because I want to get married and have a big pretty wedding, and definetly not because Im trying to fill in a hole that is empty and is telling my body that there is something missing.
And Im definetly not going to rush and have kids because I want to be a “young” mom or rush into getting married because Im getting “old”

You see I came from a family with a single mom, my dad left when I was five and my step dad was around for many years but that also fell apart.

My mom didnt know my father for more than 2 years before they decided to conceive me and although her and my step dad dated for a long time because of his job he was never really around for her to really get to know him…

I want my life to take a diffrent path, I want my kids to know their father and I want to get home to a husband I can kiss who after all the kids and years passed I could still be in-love with and be happy with.
I dont want to be unhappy sleeping in a separate bed before our 25 year anniversary and I dont want to be sharing custody and arguing who has the kids next weekend.

I know that waiting doesn’t guarantee success in marriage or motherhood, however I believe that to know the hole beautiful story a book has to tell you must read every single chapter and page. Therefore same goes with relationships you have to be apart of different chapters in someone’s life to see how they act and grow in order to write your own book of that story…

Wishing all the best in every chapter;
Kbeautifulmind

Just keep Swimming

image

As many of you may know my mother has Cancer, Lung Cancer Stage 4.
Although all we have heard is its not curable we can only try pro long her life, something in me doesn’t settle for these answers and something in her doesn’t settle either shes a fighting warrior and will continue to fight till the end.
Since my mom was diagnosed I’ve done my research from reading stories, about other treatments, to EVERYTHING I’ve dedicated alot of my time to this disease and I guess trying to understand it and find some answers.

When I found out about how long your hair had to be to donate it and where I could send it in, I also came across a story about this beautiful girl by the name of Talia.
Talia was a young girl that at the age of about 8 years old was diagnosed with Cancer.
What the hell do you even know at age 8?
I mean your suppose to be playing outside, wearing your moms heels and lip sticks not laying in a bed fighting for your life!
This young girl was something else, she was strong, and just different from other young girls. Talia forgot the fact that she was sick, forgot the fact that she was bald and pushed through fighting for 6 years straight in the best mood she could ever be. She inspiring young girls and all people around the world to see the true beauty of life. She said she will not let this bring her down or let her be depressed because a little fish once told her to “Just keep swimming”
She called her self “The Bald Girl” and inspired people by showing her true beauty as one of gods angels. She did make up tutorials on YouTube, She was a host on Ellen’s Show and was also an inspiring face for the cover on “Cover Girl”
This morning at only age 13 at 11:22am Talia earned her wings. God decided she was good to go and took his angel with him to watch over the rest of us down here.

I’ll never understand this disease, but what I do understand now is god picks his warrior who he knows could handle what he is giving them and Talia was just another warrior in this world…
R.I.P TaliaJoy

and remember everyone no matter what your going through…

“Just keep Swimming”♥

Kbeautifulmind

Oh Cancer how I hate you, your giving me white hairs…

image

Hospitals Hospitals are so creepy.
Its Friday afternoon and its my moms fake Birthday technically her Birthday is tomorrow but once upon a time she had a sister who was born today a year before her and died. When my mom was born my grandma made the decision to give her the same name so when she came to the United States my mom brought with her the wrong birth certificate… I know weird right?
But anyways thats all in the processed of getting fixed but her birthday is really tomorrow.
Im waiting for results on my moms cat scan and X rays, and I came to the bathroom and I have 3 white hairs, oh god did that make me feel old… but I know its the stress…
Last night my mom was having alot of chest pain and got really sick “looking” on me, I began to worry but she said to wait it out so we did…
I couldn’t sleep just keeping an eye on her and making sure she was okay…
I began to think again how unfair this was, Why does a 46 year old lady who worked hard her whole life deserve to have it end like this? I mean Im not saying anyone deserves this sickness but you would think that some people deserve a easy path after all the hard ones they have encountered right?
Sometimes I get frustrated I know I shouldn’t question god or why he does the things he does but sometimes I just wish I could understand or get a little sign that everything is going to be okay…
Really dont know how to feel right now except for the fact that Im kind of annoyed I had to call out of work because we need any money we can get. Im annoyed she couldnt start her chemotherapy this morning and Im annoyed how long it takes to wait for all this stuff…
But then again I’m glad to now be spending her fake birthday with her even if its in this cold hospital.

Just a little venting,

Kbeautifulmind

How does your subconscious pick its taste in music?

image

It’s The fourth of July and I am stuck at work…
But then again money is money no matter the Holiday. Most people spend it more on the Holiday’s anyway…
So Im here listening to music and it made me think, How does my mind and ears decide what sounds they like to hear?
I mean I never really thought of it but almost all of my favorite songs or type of music I like really relates to how I like everything else…
For example Im a sucker for romance and I like soft romantic music weather its in Spanish, Italian, Jazz, soft rock or Pop and especially Country♥
I love all kinds of music but youll never catch me listening to loud rock or club house music, I just cant seem to relate to it and actually find it a bit annoying.
I love Spanish music because it sings to my soul, it represents my culture and it brings back memories of when I was little and my auntie and mom would be singing and cooking in the kitchen as happy as can be. They would pick us up to dance with them twirling us until we’d get to heavy to continue ha ha.
I have a thing for Jazz especially the old school stuff or as deep as a little mix like Frank Sinatra and the newer stuff like Michael Bubble. When I fell in love for the first time Michael Bubble was my go to guy Id turn him up put my window’s down and enjoy the feeling 🙂
Since I discovered him he’s my “happy mood” music.
Country music and hip hop sing to my life and what I want out of it.
Country Music makes me think of a future someday with kids and a house with a big back yard. It reminds me of how much I value life, god, my family, friendship and love.
Hip Hop and rap Ive recently got into but if its the good underground stuff it sort of “pumps” me up and reminds me of my ambition and how no matter what happeneds I will continue to fight on to be successful…
I guess the reason why I find this interesting is because I wonder if you can know a bit about a person just by knowing what music they listen to…
and if so…
What does this say about me to others?

bored and curious;
Kbeautifulmind.

Short hair because I care.

image

“We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.”-Unknown

I cut my hair today!
My purpose ….. to donate it!
and the fact that I’ll feel less hot is a plus of course.
My hair was extreamly long all the way down pass my bottom and now its sholder lenght.
So as you guys can read and see well the truth Im surprised I didn’t cry…
My hair was so long my friends thought I was crazy for cutting it, “you’ll regret it” they said…
But the truth it felt wonderful, I felt a relief, I felt brave and helpful!
It’s my first time donating so I had no idea what to do but seems like I figured it out and “Lock of Love” is going to get this pretty long hair for a even prettier strong little girl♥
When I think of someone else wearing my hair it actually excites me, maybe ill be someones beautiful prom hair due, or picture day or something.
What makes me feel good is that someone out there will be happy and be able to get their mind off the pain for a moment.
I pray that god countines to stand by the side of all our Cancer fighters and may he lead them all along the path of survival.
I thank him for allowing my mom to continue to be by my side and may she continue to have strength to fight on. May he give us peace even when times are hard, may he unite us even more.

I hope Lock of Love puts my hair to good use.

Kbeautifulmind

Birthday count down….

image

Holly Cow I’ll be 23 in less then 3 hours!!! Blah getting old stinks, but I absolutely love my birthdays because it makes me look back at how time has passed and changed a lot and although sometimes I miss some good old days… I’m so grateful for how much I have grown and learned.
Just thinking that two years ago I almost let the power of love take me down… How stupid would I have been to let that birthday be my last…
I’m so glad to be here.
I’m so grateful for all the amazing people god has allowed in my life and most of all still grateful for having my family together another year!:)
Thanks to all the awesome people who are still by my side, miss all the great ones who once were… wishing them the best and welcoming a new year and many more awesome people to come.
God knows all I want this year is for my moms good health, that he continues to give her strength to fight on, and that this path gets easier for her. However let god hear me that I’m ready for all he has to throw my way and all I ask for is strength through the hard times and lots of love to accompany me along the way.

Kbeautifulmind

The day Im a mother

20130512-170928.jpg

If I wanted to I know I could be a great mother now. Thanks to my mom my instincts and methods have cultivated through the years from watching such a wonderful person be an amazing mother. If your a regular reader you may know that my mother is amazing, she is currently fighting a stage four lung cancer and god knows it has been real hard. However she hasn’t allowed it to take over her life and change who she truly is.
My mom is AMAZING, and I know when the day comes for me to be a mother Im going to be a great one.
Through her I have learned a lot.
She has taught me kindness and tolerance for all humans, and situations. Through her I have learned to be positive. I have learned to be strong teaching me that there is nothing that can destroy me for if tomorrow comes it will be a hole new day. I’ve learned to be open to new learnings and to always take in the new knowledge with a positive attitude. She taught me to love, hard and long, and to never give up and always continue to fight for anything or anyone as long as I never loose focus of my value and what I deserve. She role modeled to always listen to my instincts and to not be afraid of doing so. She taught me to have confidence and that no matter what others say or have, I will always find something better within me that will make me proud of being who I am. She’s taught me to always be helpful as Ive watched her open her heart and friendly services to many people; from advising others to do the right thing to a simple favor like giving someone a ride somewhere. I have to say she has to be the greatest friend anyone could ever have.
Over the years our relationship as many mother daughter relationships has had its up and downs. However I can say we never fell too far apart to stop talking and we always found our selves running back to each other. To be more specific wed be “fighting” and shed still call me every 15 minutes. Trust to my mom is a BIG DEAL she values the trust she gives to others and if you break it; that’s it. My mom has always been the perfect mother; never to strict or too careless. She always allowed me to choose my own path and how I wanted to live my life, still trusting me that I would do the right thing. Being trusted has made me never want to disappoint her.
As a twenty-two year old adult now, still not ready for any children of my own I would say the day Im ready Ill be more than ready. I can say for the future and even now I have had the best mentor. Having such a wonderful role model and such a strong individual believe in me and have faith in me has inspired me to be the best ME and someday mother of my own that I could ever be.
I love you mommy,
Happy Mothers Day💕
Thanks for reading;
Kbeautifulmind

If I won the lottery

20130510-013757.jpg

I can not sleep and I have work all day tomorrow so that’s not good…
I was fine just laying here in bed, I have a big bed so ever since we found out about my moms cancer we sleep together I sleep to one side and she sleeps to the other with plenty of space for like a third person. I sleep with her because I feel safer this way knowing Im right by her side in case of anything…
Than I bothered to look over and I noticed she fell asleep and looks very uncomfortable with like five pillows keeping her half up like she is almost sitting down and I know its because she can’t really breath sometimes. We told the doctor but he said her lungs sound fine I don’t know what the issue is and its driving me nuts!
So I began to think of when my mom and I use to say “What would we do if we won the lottery someday?”
By the way we never play it is so rare but once in a blue moon we would each get a dollar and buy a ticket and wed always say what we would do…
She would say “I would open up a business something where I could help out alot of people, not just people I know but alot alot of people Id probably buy a house and pay off all our debt and bills so that we never stress again”

I use to say “I would buy you a house and myself one, Id also buy you a restaurant, pay/give you back all the money you have used to do stuff for me and Id go on a big shopping spree as well as go to real poor areas of the world and help them out.”
Man we were dorks… But we dreamed funny probably not what we would do exactly…
and tonight I sit here feeling like I was starting to have an anxiety attack wondering again why my lord oh lord is my mom sick at age 45 with a un curable lung cancer?
Im also thinking of what we would say to each other if we asked again “What we would do if we won the Lottery?”

If I won the lottery I would pay for my mom to see the best doctors on this planet, get thousands of other opinions and if I cant find the cure find something to pro long her life for a very very long time, I would be able to give her that good rest of her life Ive always wanted and take her on trips, help her relax! I would help her breath, eat, sleep, live… oh god Id give my life for her…
Again I ask why her? Why my super woman?
Late night post;
Kbeautifulmind

Doctors appointment

20130508-110409.jpg
We went to see the doctor today…
He checked her out told her she looked great and her lungs sounded perfect!
He reviewed the results of the chemo with us which we already knew had shrunk the tumor by 25 percent but had still spread do to some very small spotting which they assumed was part of the mass from the tumor.
He gave us the options which is a daily mouth medicine which can pro long her life and bone medication to make her bones stronger and slow the cancer from spreading through them…
Than she asked the doctor if she could go back to work and he told her “…from a personal perspective yes you can do anything you want! But as a doctor I don’t know if you want to work because this thing will only get worse with time and there will come a point when you might not even be able to get out of bed so I suggest enjoy the freedom and just relax….”
First thing I thought was… “It’s easy for him to say because he is obviously financially stable…”
Than the other thing was where I started to speak to god and asking him again “Why her lord?”
and maybe Im being a little selfish because I should know she’s not the only one sick in this world and there is people worse off.
However it breaks me, it tares me apart to think that she will eventually be feeling horrible pain that I won’t be able to sooth or cure.
All my siblings along with myself have seen our struggles and how hard this woman has worked just to have a roof over our heads and to put food on the table. However as the oldest I feel like Ive seen it all and more Ive seen her get mad, cry, and sometimes almost ready to give up and she amazes me how well she can put her self right back together and keep pushing! She says I have that characteristic of hers, her strength but when I see how strong she is Im not sure if I do because I am so sensitive. I don’t see her strength in me she makes me look like a baby compared to her.
Right now Im hurting Im trying so hard to be strong and hide it but Im hurting and Ill admit Im a bit scared for what will come.
However my faith is so strong and I know my lord hears me and I know that everything happens for a reason but I believe in his power and I know he knows how much we still need her. I really hope he hears my cry every day and knows how much I still need her here so I can give her the world and continue to make her proud.
I know that death is apart of life and please believe I as well as my mom and Im sure most people would like to go to heaven but I don’t feel most of us want to go yet. I have accepted that someday god will have her by his side as she watches over us and sits along with her father and other loved ones but I need her here still, I just ask for more time to be able to enjoy her love and persona and I pray he hears me.
We went to see her doctor today and boy was it hard, I just pray my lord hears me.
Thank you for reading;
Kbeautifulmind