Category: Inspiration through my personal life

An open letter to my absent father…

“When a father walks out on his daughter he takes a piece of her soul with him.” Iyanla Vanzant

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I have to admit when I was a kid not having a father was hard. I remember not understanding why I couldn’t be a “daddy’s girl/princess” like the rest of my friends. I use to wonder what would happen when the moment came that I would get married to my “Prince Charming?”

Who would walk me down the aisle?

I hated fathers day because that meant making some kind of arts and craft decoration and when it came to speaking up about who we were going to give it to…

I’d lie and say “my uncle….”and as I walked out of class I’d just throw it away.
I will never forget an incident in the 4th grade when I threw away this box thing we had made and my class mate caught me and asked

“Kelsey your box was the best one? I thought you were going to give it to your uncle who has been like a dad to you? Let me guess you don’t know who your dad is do you? Don’t feel bad I know this girl who doesn’t know who her dad is because her mom use to go out a lot TOO and got pregnant very young…”
In that moment I don’t know what was hotter my burning red face or my sweater that was making me sweat…
I said to her “Too? I don’t know what your talking about but I DO know who my dad is but, I just happen to have a pretty awesome mom who left him because he was mean to her…”
I couldn’t believe what this girl had just said to me!?

I mean I was only 9 years old but I knew exactly what kind of woman was a woman who “had a lot of fun” and didn’t know who the father of her child was…

and that was NOT the case for my mom at all!
After that incident I really grew up…

Although the arts and crafts activities wouldn’t follow me to middle school, I was finally proud of not having a dad.

I was glad I didn’t have to celebrate fathers day for someone who didn’t deserve it, and I might have only been 9 but in that moment I knew exactly who would walk me down the aisle someday…

and that ladies and gentlemen was and will be my Mother.

Even though my father has made his way back into the lives of my sister and I a couple of times, god knows even if we tried to let him in… it would be a very bad idea.

I mean we have actually tried but it never turns out pretty…

An open letter to my absent father…

Dear Frank;
I don’t hate you, although you have done and said some pretty crucial things to me, I don’t hate you.
I don’t hate you because if it wasn’t for your involvment with my mother…

I wouldn’t be here today,
for that I thank you.
You know when I was a kid I missed you, I don’t know what I missed but, I know that I missed you, the “dad” I never had. I missed someone to comb my hair before I went to bed, or read me a bed time story. Someone to chase the boys away and tell me that no guy would ever be good enough for his baby girl.
However, what I wanted more than anything in this world…

was a hug.

I dreamed of that moment where I would find you, and you would wrap your arms around me and tell me; “Honey, I missed you.”
When you finally contacted us, I’ll never forget that moment!

It was like Michelle and I had just been told we won the lottery!

We were nervous, and scared, but very excited to meet you.

I know she also couldn’t sleep the night before and I’m sure she was also wondering what you would be like?

If you would be happy to see us?

I expected a sweet man with a BIG present (not that the material things mattered but its just what I imagined), and a man so excited to see us that he’d tell us; “Sit down and tell me everything about you? What do you want to be when you grow up? Whats your favorite food? Whats your favorite color?”

But you were nothing like I/we imagined…

and a part of me is sad and disappointed I ever let you in my life…

I mean at least if I would have never “re met” you…

I could have just forever imagined that you were a wonderful, and loving dad who missed us.

But, the other part of me is glad I got to meet the real you.

I got to know your true colors and you got to set the perfect example of everything I don’t want to be…

or of the kind of future husband I pray I dont choose…

So the truth I really don’t hate you even if you’ve said to me;

“The day you die I am going to thank god for it!”

I just feel sorry for you, and I pray that someday before you must leave this earth that you ask god for forgiveness and that you may find peace in your heart.

I pray for you always Frank, and that the day you are gone may your soul be able to rest in peace.

Good luck “dad”…

and…

Incase you care my favorite colors have always been yellow, pink, and white.

My favorite food is Italian, Asian and Mexican.

I want to be a forensic psychologist or a marriage and family therapist when I “grow up”.

Sincerely;

Your Daughter

Kbeautifulmind.

Root of Origin

“Why did you start your blog? Is that still why you blog, or has your site gone in a different direction than you’d planned?”

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I’d have to say my starting point for my blog was to be a sholder for someone to cry on, a friend to listen, or over all just someone to vent to for anyone who came across my blog.
After all they say its easier for most people to let out steem or express them selves to a total stranger then to someone close to them.

Why?

Well you see I feel its because its your inner voice saying “If you dont know them therefor what they think of you doesn’t matter”

I mean think about it most of us are watching what we say, do, wear, or how we appear to others because we are afraid of judgment or negative feedback.

I personally feel “Who Cares” if they truly care and understand they will listen and have your back and if they judge you or criticize then maybe they shouldn’t matter to you as much as they do right?

Well anyways that was the idea of my blog a “helping” hand but…

Then I realized that the truth was that I needed to let some steem off myself, I needed some one to read and just nod like they get it even if they didn’t and not say anything at all. To be completely honest I have to say I love to listen and give advise and be your friend but for the most part I dont like advise myself! I just want someone to listen and thats it… ironic I know (sigh)

Anyways then in late November 2012 my mom got diagnosed with Lung Cancer and I just wanted to tell my story.  My new purpose of my blog was to vent and just share with everyone what I was going through because I knew that someone out there had to be going through this too; They had to be! And if I could connect with someone and help them as I help myself; That was good enough for me.

So I don’t know if my blog has gone on a different direction then I planned or if my purpose was always the same but what I do know is my blog is a page where I’d like for anyone to go on it and say “Finally someone who understands me!” and for them to know that if they need me Im only an email away!

and that my friends is the only reason I need to continue to write!♥

Sending happy thoughts your way;
Kbeautifulmind

Inspired by: The daily prompt

Take it easy on yourself!

 “When all goes bad, and you think it’ll never get better just remember; Everything happens for a reason, and It will all get better in time.”- unknown

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Hello readers!:)
My blog before this was going to be a very nasty(mean) reply to some idiot who decided it was funny to say something stupid to me on here but I learned that these are people from the past who are in the past for a reason even though they can’t seem to accept it….
So in a better mood and mindset…

Ever have days when you see your life flash before your eyes with “What if’s”  and how your life could have been if somethings wouldn’t have happened or wouldn’t be happening?

I have days like that, especially seeing on how much my life has changed over the past three years…

Before three years ago, I had a plan for everything School, Family, my future, love, friends and over all my entire life.

I guess I figured that as long as I stuck to the plan nothing could ever go wrong. I didn’t think I ever gave love or friends a reason to hurt and betray me. I never thought I could posably hurt anyone I loved with all my life. I never believed my mom would be hit with this ugly cancer “I mean there is no way right after all the things we have been through “Not us” right?” I figured things can’t ever get worse for me right? and my plans with my education did not go as planned either.

I tought I had it all figured out from never moving back home to when I would have all my degrees and jobs by to when I would start my future with a family and kids and a just “Oh so wonderful life” I truly had it all figured out, but I was partly wrong…

I guess I have learned that anything really CAN happen. That people will hurt you and that its natural to screw things up because we are all human. I learned that god will test your faith and throw off your path to see if you keep pushing to find your way.

Now dont think I’ve lost my focus… unlike others my dreams are still the same. I still want to end up in forensic psychology. My goal is to get into the criminal field as soon as possible and Im still pushing for degrees all the way till my PH.D, I still more then anything want a family of my own and a wonderful husband to share that with. I still believe in loving till death and getting married at church someday because I found my teammate and partner in crime not for any other reason. I believe in the mac to my cheese and that nothing will ever separate what we represent. And I still like always pray for all of those around me and that god allows my family and I to share a long and beautiful life together before death knocks at our doors.

and Im okay because I know that no matter what has happened if your patient everything will fall into place…

I mean yes its human nature to always wonder “What if?” I had or hadnt done that or said this or that instead…

However if your reading this and you can relate just remember…

Even when it seems like you see the end of a road it really isnt. EVERYTHING truly does happen for a reason, and whats ment to be will happen no matter what.

So, take it easy on yourself (I know its hard trust me) Take it easy on the past, dont dwell and wish it all the best, my favorite thing to say to the past and all bad is… “82 kisses and many good wishes”. Dont try to make sense of it all because it probably will NEVER make sense anyway, dont allow it to stay because the past can haunt like a ghost if you allow it.

You just have to relax, live by the moment and try to enjoy the ride.  Let go of everything internally and put it in gods hands (or who/whatever you believe in)

And finally what I seem to find really hard to do but I know will help me and anyone else…

Let go of the need to evaluate and analyse everything that has happened or will happen in your life!

Sending you peaceful vibes;
Kbeautifulmind

Just keep Swimming

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As many of you may know my mother has Cancer, Lung Cancer Stage 4.
Although all we have heard is its not curable we can only try pro long her life, something in me doesn’t settle for these answers and something in her doesn’t settle either shes a fighting warrior and will continue to fight till the end.
Since my mom was diagnosed I’ve done my research from reading stories, about other treatments, to EVERYTHING I’ve dedicated alot of my time to this disease and I guess trying to understand it and find some answers.

When I found out about how long your hair had to be to donate it and where I could send it in, I also came across a story about this beautiful girl by the name of Talia.
Talia was a young girl that at the age of about 8 years old was diagnosed with Cancer.
What the hell do you even know at age 8?
I mean your suppose to be playing outside, wearing your moms heels and lip sticks not laying in a bed fighting for your life!
This young girl was something else, she was strong, and just different from other young girls. Talia forgot the fact that she was sick, forgot the fact that she was bald and pushed through fighting for 6 years straight in the best mood she could ever be. She inspiring young girls and all people around the world to see the true beauty of life. She said she will not let this bring her down or let her be depressed because a little fish once told her to “Just keep swimming”
She called her self “The Bald Girl” and inspired people by showing her true beauty as one of gods angels. She did make up tutorials on YouTube, She was a host on Ellen’s Show and was also an inspiring face for the cover on “Cover Girl”
This morning at only age 13 at 11:22am Talia earned her wings. God decided she was good to go and took his angel with him to watch over the rest of us down here.

I’ll never understand this disease, but what I do understand now is god picks his warrior who he knows could handle what he is giving them and Talia was just another warrior in this world…
R.I.P TaliaJoy

and remember everyone no matter what your going through…

“Just keep Swimming”♥

Kbeautifulmind

Hospital sleep overs

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I find it really funny that I cant seem to wake up for the gym at 5am but Ive been up since 4:30 this morning…
Someone get me a big bed please!
I’m actually really really tired I can feel it but my brain is telling me “no more sleep for you missy!”
Man oh man are Hospitals so uncomfortable to sleep in. My moms still asleep and although she has her bed to herself she looks uncomfortable too.
She claims to be feeling a little better her face expression seems to say other wise.
Today is her offical birthday and I much rather have took her out for a manicure and pedicure and some lunch….
Maybe I can just give her a pedi myself when she gets out of here if we ever do…
I understand this place is busy but I find it so annoying when they been promising us a doctor since yesterday at 6pm and her doctor is “unavailable” so that doesn’t help…
All I want today is…
1. For her to feel better
2. For the doctor to hurry up
3. To be able to know whats going on and what is our next step
4. To take her home with a positive vibe and good hope
5. To be able to celebrate her for a bit even if its just a small cake and some flowers and balloons
6. To see her smile at least once today

Sitting here waiting for the man in the white coat…

Kbeautifulmind

Oh Cancer how I hate you, your giving me white hairs…

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Hospitals Hospitals are so creepy.
Its Friday afternoon and its my moms fake Birthday technically her Birthday is tomorrow but once upon a time she had a sister who was born today a year before her and died. When my mom was born my grandma made the decision to give her the same name so when she came to the United States my mom brought with her the wrong birth certificate… I know weird right?
But anyways thats all in the processed of getting fixed but her birthday is really tomorrow.
Im waiting for results on my moms cat scan and X rays, and I came to the bathroom and I have 3 white hairs, oh god did that make me feel old… but I know its the stress…
Last night my mom was having alot of chest pain and got really sick “looking” on me, I began to worry but she said to wait it out so we did…
I couldn’t sleep just keeping an eye on her and making sure she was okay…
I began to think again how unfair this was, Why does a 46 year old lady who worked hard her whole life deserve to have it end like this? I mean Im not saying anyone deserves this sickness but you would think that some people deserve a easy path after all the hard ones they have encountered right?
Sometimes I get frustrated I know I shouldn’t question god or why he does the things he does but sometimes I just wish I could understand or get a little sign that everything is going to be okay…
Really dont know how to feel right now except for the fact that Im kind of annoyed I had to call out of work because we need any money we can get. Im annoyed she couldnt start her chemotherapy this morning and Im annoyed how long it takes to wait for all this stuff…
But then again I’m glad to now be spending her fake birthday with her even if its in this cold hospital.

Just a little venting,

Kbeautifulmind

Short hair because I care.

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“We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.”-Unknown

I cut my hair today!
My purpose ….. to donate it!
and the fact that I’ll feel less hot is a plus of course.
My hair was extreamly long all the way down pass my bottom and now its sholder lenght.
So as you guys can read and see well the truth Im surprised I didn’t cry…
My hair was so long my friends thought I was crazy for cutting it, “you’ll regret it” they said…
But the truth it felt wonderful, I felt a relief, I felt brave and helpful!
It’s my first time donating so I had no idea what to do but seems like I figured it out and “Lock of Love” is going to get this pretty long hair for a even prettier strong little girl♥
When I think of someone else wearing my hair it actually excites me, maybe ill be someones beautiful prom hair due, or picture day or something.
What makes me feel good is that someone out there will be happy and be able to get their mind off the pain for a moment.
I pray that god countines to stand by the side of all our Cancer fighters and may he lead them all along the path of survival.
I thank him for allowing my mom to continue to be by my side and may she continue to have strength to fight on. May he give us peace even when times are hard, may he unite us even more.

I hope Lock of Love puts my hair to good use.

Kbeautifulmind

Birthday count down….

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Holly Cow I’ll be 23 in less then 3 hours!!! Blah getting old stinks, but I absolutely love my birthdays because it makes me look back at how time has passed and changed a lot and although sometimes I miss some good old days… I’m so grateful for how much I have grown and learned.
Just thinking that two years ago I almost let the power of love take me down… How stupid would I have been to let that birthday be my last…
I’m so glad to be here.
I’m so grateful for all the amazing people god has allowed in my life and most of all still grateful for having my family together another year!:)
Thanks to all the awesome people who are still by my side, miss all the great ones who once were… wishing them the best and welcoming a new year and many more awesome people to come.
God knows all I want this year is for my moms good health, that he continues to give her strength to fight on, and that this path gets easier for her. However let god hear me that I’m ready for all he has to throw my way and all I ask for is strength through the hard times and lots of love to accompany me along the way.

Kbeautifulmind

The day Im a mother

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If I wanted to I know I could be a great mother now. Thanks to my mom my instincts and methods have cultivated through the years from watching such a wonderful person be an amazing mother. If your a regular reader you may know that my mother is amazing, she is currently fighting a stage four lung cancer and god knows it has been real hard. However she hasn’t allowed it to take over her life and change who she truly is.
My mom is AMAZING, and I know when the day comes for me to be a mother Im going to be a great one.
Through her I have learned a lot.
She has taught me kindness and tolerance for all humans, and situations. Through her I have learned to be positive. I have learned to be strong teaching me that there is nothing that can destroy me for if tomorrow comes it will be a hole new day. I’ve learned to be open to new learnings and to always take in the new knowledge with a positive attitude. She taught me to love, hard and long, and to never give up and always continue to fight for anything or anyone as long as I never loose focus of my value and what I deserve. She role modeled to always listen to my instincts and to not be afraid of doing so. She taught me to have confidence and that no matter what others say or have, I will always find something better within me that will make me proud of being who I am. She’s taught me to always be helpful as Ive watched her open her heart and friendly services to many people; from advising others to do the right thing to a simple favor like giving someone a ride somewhere. I have to say she has to be the greatest friend anyone could ever have.
Over the years our relationship as many mother daughter relationships has had its up and downs. However I can say we never fell too far apart to stop talking and we always found our selves running back to each other. To be more specific wed be “fighting” and shed still call me every 15 minutes. Trust to my mom is a BIG DEAL she values the trust she gives to others and if you break it; that’s it. My mom has always been the perfect mother; never to strict or too careless. She always allowed me to choose my own path and how I wanted to live my life, still trusting me that I would do the right thing. Being trusted has made me never want to disappoint her.
As a twenty-two year old adult now, still not ready for any children of my own I would say the day Im ready Ill be more than ready. I can say for the future and even now I have had the best mentor. Having such a wonderful role model and such a strong individual believe in me and have faith in me has inspired me to be the best ME and someday mother of my own that I could ever be.
I love you mommy,
Happy Mothers Day💕
Thanks for reading;
Kbeautifulmind

If I won the lottery

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I can not sleep and I have work all day tomorrow so that’s not good…
I was fine just laying here in bed, I have a big bed so ever since we found out about my moms cancer we sleep together I sleep to one side and she sleeps to the other with plenty of space for like a third person. I sleep with her because I feel safer this way knowing Im right by her side in case of anything…
Than I bothered to look over and I noticed she fell asleep and looks very uncomfortable with like five pillows keeping her half up like she is almost sitting down and I know its because she can’t really breath sometimes. We told the doctor but he said her lungs sound fine I don’t know what the issue is and its driving me nuts!
So I began to think of when my mom and I use to say “What would we do if we won the lottery someday?”
By the way we never play it is so rare but once in a blue moon we would each get a dollar and buy a ticket and wed always say what we would do…
She would say “I would open up a business something where I could help out alot of people, not just people I know but alot alot of people Id probably buy a house and pay off all our debt and bills so that we never stress again”

I use to say “I would buy you a house and myself one, Id also buy you a restaurant, pay/give you back all the money you have used to do stuff for me and Id go on a big shopping spree as well as go to real poor areas of the world and help them out.”
Man we were dorks… But we dreamed funny probably not what we would do exactly…
and tonight I sit here feeling like I was starting to have an anxiety attack wondering again why my lord oh lord is my mom sick at age 45 with a un curable lung cancer?
Im also thinking of what we would say to each other if we asked again “What we would do if we won the Lottery?”

If I won the lottery I would pay for my mom to see the best doctors on this planet, get thousands of other opinions and if I cant find the cure find something to pro long her life for a very very long time, I would be able to give her that good rest of her life Ive always wanted and take her on trips, help her relax! I would help her breath, eat, sleep, live… oh god Id give my life for her…
Again I ask why her? Why my super woman?
Late night post;
Kbeautifulmind