Category: Inspiration through my personal life

“And don’t forget you have to keep making my Tamales”

I haven’t blogged in a while, I just haven’t had much energy for anything. I guess you can say I been a little emo but it’s just so hard to be positive all the time when you see your hero, the queen of your world and your best friend not doing so well. My momma has a lot going on with this dam Cancer that has begun to rapidly spread. She was in the hospital last week and even though they did a couple of things that have really helped her, the doctors have now gave us that “any day now… you must be ready…” talk. And I am mad again, a bit mad with God because a part of me wants to blame him. A bit mad that I can’t do anything to heel her, and a bit mad that her time could come any time soon and it’s just flat out not fair!
I mean it just makes no sense, why would my lord take the only parent I’ve ever had, the one that’s always been here for me, my best friend!
Does he not know I still need her?
We all still need her? My youngest brother is only 11! Does she not get to meet his first girlfriend? Or see either of her boys graduate high school?
Who in this world is going to walk me down the aisle someday? I have a wonderful godfather and uncles but no one would make me as happy as she would if I had her by my side! What about my graduation? One of her dreams is to see me graduate from college!?
And what about my kids? Why does only Audrina (my niece) get to meet her awesome grandma? And also why doesn’t my mom get to stick around to see Audrina grow?
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And most of all! She isn’t even ready to go! She has told me that she told god her self “I am not afraid or anything but I’m not ready to die yet”

So my question is WHY, WHY and WHY???

None of it makes sense and I have realized that dwelling on it won’t change things. I mean do I wish god would answer my prayers and send me a miracle? Well yes of course. But I need to try really, really hard to not dwell. It’s making me angry and grouchy and I always have a headache now in days and that’s not good!
My mom was freaking me out a bit yesterday because she wasn’t looking so good. She just started radiation on her head, she has these big soars and burns on her butt from the radiation on her tail bone that hurt so much that she can’t even poop comfortably. She weighs 88 pounds and they come in every other day to drain the liquid from her lung that leaves her in so much pain! She said it feels like she is getting her heart and lungs sucked out, because it’s like a little vacuum.
So in pain and all she began to talk to me last night, it was almost like she was saying good bye but not exactly she spoke to me about what she wants to take care of and begin to prepare. She told me she wants to be creamated even if it’s not really the “Catholic” thing to do. She told me what she wanted me to tell her siblings the ones she won’t get to see before she goes (there is 16 of them). Then she began to tell me how she would want us to live our life with out her. She told me to always take care of her boys and try not to fight with them no matter how annoying and messy they are… “If you speak to them nicely and calm they will help you” She said she was really sorry for leaving me all the baggage, but that she felt I was the only one who could handle it because no matter how much of a cry baby I am… “You are just like me, my strength will live on, in you” She told me to live my life and follow my heart, she said “I see the way Chris looks at you and he loves you but no matter what always make sure YOU are happy with your life, don’t just cruise through life until you die, make sure to live! Make sure to love deeply and be happy!”
and, well she said a couple of other things…
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She finally ended the conversation with…
Oh yeah, last but not least “You have to keep making my tamales! I don’t know why but people love those things! And follow every step I gave you and NEVER, EVER make Tamales mad or in a negative mood, they will come out “agrios” (sour/bad) also learn to make mole because your boyfriend loves my mole! And I know you love your Arros con Leche gorda so learn to make that too!” Finally we were getting ready to say good night and she said “I’m sorry if I’m being selfish, I know I need to be stronger but if you could feel this, I would never wish it on anyone, it is so so so painful”

Even though it was nice to have that talk, I couldn’t help but continue and ask god, why?….

Still wishing for a miracle,
Kbeautifulmind

Enough Cancer for Everyone…

About a week ago today, I was sitting at work bored out of my mind! When all of a sudden a man came in to do an upgrade on his phone. My co-worker approached him first so I let her take care of him. I was sitting down, on my phone minding my own business when he asked me “Who are you texting? You have a customer in front of you and you’re on your phone ignoring me, texting away…?”
Anyway, he was teasing me but that got our conversation going and some how we began to talk about god, and life.
This guy was probably the most spiritual person I’ve ever met!
Not only did he see life with such a positive vibe, but he had an open mind to everything.
The man had faith in god, but most importantly he had trust in him.
I know you guys are probably wondering, what is the difference? Because I know I did, and he told me.
He told me that having faith that God will take care of things isn’t enough. Why? Because even though we have faith, we still worry, and stress the situations.
He said “We must trust that God will take care of things by letting it all go and giving it to him to deal with. Yes, it will be hard but if you believe in him, or in something more powerful then us here on earth, then you know that he knows what he is doing? Why he is doing these things? And that even though you are stressed, frustrated, sad there is a purpose or reason for everything!!!”
In that moment I knew he was right, I just had to trust god, not just have faith in him but trust him and know that I am his child and he has my back.
After this nice man left, I couldn’t help but wonder if God had put him in here to speak to me.
You see the night before I was in the shower with a lot on my mind. My mother’s cancer has spread even more and she isn’t eating much lately and it’s honesty breaking my heart.
As I stood there I told god “Look I know I need to be strong, and I know that you only give us “what we can handle” but I can’t handle this anymore! I don’t get why you are doing this to me? What is the purpose behind it all? I just don’t think it’s fair! And I need you to just speak to me and show me that you are listening to me because my prayers seem to feel ignored lately?
And I’m tired, so tired, and I need my momma god! I only have one parent! I need her, you have to make her strong and help pro long her life, please please show me that you hear me!!!!???? You can’t take her away from me god, please you just can’t!”
and well that’s how I was feeling that night…
The next day this man came in to my job, out of all cell phone stores in town. He spoke to me about trusting god, out of all people he could speak to and all subjects he could speak about. He could have just left me alone, got his phone and left. However he spoke to me, and that I think was a sign from god.
Therefor I began to really think and let it all sink in. I couldn’t help to think about what he said about everything having a “purpose” so I began to think about my life, and all I have learned since my mom got diagnosed. I realized I have learned a lot and as crazy sad as it all is, I know it has helped me grow and become a better person.
Then I began to think about the rest of the world and how cancer is everywhere now a days, and with everyone.
Like there is actually “Enough Cancer for Everyone” and everyone that is living with it or knows someone living with it has to be feeling what I am feeling. If not “How are they feeling? What affect has it had on their lives?”
In that moment I grew an interest to know what others were feeling and experiencing do to cancer. I knew that if I could hear the stories of others it would make me stronger. I knew that if I could share the stories of others, it would make other people stronger. It would mean that if one person came across these stories with that lost feeling in their mind, or hearts they might just be able to relate and find that little light they were looking for. 

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Therefor I have decided to expand my blog, expand it past my exposure of my own personal life. I will be starting a category in my blog with the name “Enough Cancer for Everyone”
A category where I will be sharing the stories in summary of those who care to share with me so that we can show the rest of the world or anyone out there feeling what we are feeling that they are not alone.

I believe that this is all part of my purpose, and I pray that I can make it happen, but I can’t do it with out the stories of others.

If you are interested, email me your story at kbeautifulmind@gmail.com and let’s start making a difference by supporting those that can’t seem to escape this ugly disease.

Hope to hear from someone soon;
Kbeautifulmind

The first is to help yourself, the second is to help others…

“Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it’s at the end of your arm, as you get older, remember you have another hand: The first is to help yourself, the second is to help others.”
-Audrey Hepburn

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My mom has always told us that if we help other’s god will bless us with more.
So as a kid I was raised to be helpful, I learned to always offer a hand and do it in a good mood and with an open heart.
I’ll be honest, I truly enjoy it.

Now that I’m older; I’ve always been one to offer my car, home, money, life or whatever it is I had. I was the dummy always chasing others and putting in all the effort to save my friendships and relationships.
A couple of years ago I began to open my eye’s, and see that this wasn’t always good. I was almost always left hurt, betrayed or walked on by those I thought really cared about me. I’d tell myself “How could she not love me? I am an amazing friend to her; or How could this guy not fall in love with me? I’m an amazing girl friend!”
I was robbed for years… sigh.
I was the girl that gave my last bucks to a homeless man/women, knowing they’d turn around walk back into the store and buy a beer.
Only about two, three years ago I sat myself down and really did some thinking…
I told myself…
“Why do I let it affect me so much when someone doesn’t care about me? Why do I get so hurt when I’m not appreciated? Why am I stressing about who my siblings date? What’s it to me if he’s/she’s no good for her/him? Or that they don’t have good grades? Or that my friend is on the wrong path? Or that my friend doesn’t appreciate me? Or that my brothers don’t listen to my advise?”

and I realized in that moment that it wasn’t worth it!

But what would I do? How could I change who I am? And was I being selfish? After all it’s not a “good deed” if you’re expecting something in return right?

And that is right, don’t help others if you expect something back…

But…

In that moment I knew that I had to help myself before I  worried to help others. I had to cut my rope free before I cut their’s, if not I would be left there to hang and die!

Because you don’t have to change who you are; If it’s in your heart and bones to help other’s you must do it! This world needs good people, people who care and we must continue to do so.

It’s very simple, you just have to appreciate yourself. Either help yourself as you help them or be a little selfish and do you first, then help them.

If you do everything for your dude but he does nothing for you then stop, if he changes and chases you then continue, if he doesn’t…. There is plenty of fish in the sea!

That friend that always asks for help, rides, support… still help her/him but learn to say “NO” if it means changing your plans or canceling what you had going on. Do not put anyone first anymore!

If your siblings don’t listen to your advise and you’re the oldest…
1. Remember you had to learn, so do they.
2. Remind them you’re backing off but will always be there if they need you.
3. Tell them what I tell my siblings; “I don’t care what the hell you do, after all I won’t be depending on you someday, I got my head on right! I do it for YOU because I want to see you succeed for YOU.
4. Sit back and watch and when you need to step in (you’ll know when) then step in!

Over all remember that “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink it”

Therefore don’t change who you are but remember to only offer a helping hand not your neck. Remember that not everyone will appreciate it and if it seems like that then give the helping hand to someone who will.

You’ll win some and loose some but just make sure you aren’t getting walked on and loosing more then your winning. 

Just like the world needs good people, good people deserve to be surrounded by love and appreciation.

Love yourself, be good, and do great!
Kbeautifulmind

Beads for Battle

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“A kind gesture can reach a wound only compassion can heal” -unknown

I have to admit I use to look at people who had no legs or were disabled in some way weather it was being sick or what not and I would get so sad for them.
I remember when I was like 7 years old and I had to get in the bus with my grandma in Mexico, there was a kid in there with no shoes all dirty and gross, he smelled so so bad. He only had one leg and had these hand made crutches to help him around. When we got out of the bus I started to cry and my grandma asked what was wrong? I told her I was sad for that little boy as I asked why don’t his parents take him a shower? And why did “diosito” (god) only give him one leg?
She said to me that he probably didn’t have parent’s and that something must have happened to him in explanation of the leg…
I cried even harder and said “Grandma why do parents leave?”
Since I was also suffering in understanding why I didn’t have a father at the time, I just didn’t get it.
I remember going to church that week on Sunday and that’s when I really started to pray. I began by praying for the little boy as I asked him to please bless him with some love and support because he was a little boy and didn’t deserve to be alone.
And that’s when I began to ask God to please protect my family and loved ones because I wouldn’t want to loose them or to see them hurt.
I remember thinking that if I did this every night and said thank you everyday we would all be okay.
As you all may have read after finding out about my mom’s diagnostic I felt like god had let me down and I was mad at him…
But don’t worry I think him and I are cool now 🙂
But I was mad because I guess I felt that as long as I spoke to him and asked and thanked every one would be fine. But I didn’t realize that there was more to this disease then what god controls and that I am NOT the only one feeling this pain.

“Hi my name is Cynthia. In April 2013 I was diagnosed with stage 3 Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I started this organization to show support and spread positivity to others who are fighting for their lives. These strong individual’s need support to have the confidence to continue their battle…”

About a week or so I “met” Cynthia through a facebook message.
The thing is I already knew her story because we both have a wonderful friend by the name of Nairy who shared her story with me and told me a bit about her organization “Beads for battle”
I’ll admit that when Nairy told me I didn’t pay much attention. It’s not that I wasn’t interested I remember thinking “Why to such a young girl god, poor thing” but I was so caught up in my own life and issues that I didn’t further look into it.
When Cynthia contacted me on Facebook I felt like she had just gave me one of those big bear hugs that just make you relax and feel like everything will be okay. I felt the fight in her words and mind as well as true sympathy coming out of everything she wrote.
I knew right then and there that God gave her only what she could handle. God knew her strength and her big heart and knew she would use it to support others and spread love as well as her strength.
In that moment I knew I didn’t have to actually meet Cynthia in person to know that this young lady was an angel. As she told me that my family and I would be in her prayers and reminded me that “No one fights alone” I knew she was there for me.
That same day as we messaged back and forth, Cynthia offered to send my family and I some bracelets with beads and crosses that would remind us that we were not alone. Yesterday I received those beads and it was like Christmas in February! Not only were they absolutely beautiful but they put a big smile on my face because it’s like I could hear her telling me “No one fights alone”
In that moment I realized that we really are brought into this world for different purposes and I just pray that God continues to give people like Cynthia, my mom and other cancer victims the strength to fight on!
Happy with my pretty bracelets;
Kbeautifulmind

P.S if you’d like to donate to help Cynthia continue with this wonderful organization or would like to order a bracelet for a family member or yourself contact her at beadsforbattle@yahoo.com or find her on twitter: @beadsforbattle or find her page on facebook: beads for battle Inc.

Imagine a day…

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Imagine a day when they found the cure
not to the common cold or flu,
but to that ugly diseases that breaks us apart.
The one that doesn’t discriminate and can attack anyone, with no sign of existence or a warning of some kind.
Imagine there is no cancer,
As easy as it sounds,
No pain or suffering,
Or waiting just to die.
Imagine all the people,
No matter what their age,
kids, parents and teens,
Living worry free.
With out that ticking time bomb,
that no one else can see.
You might think I’m a dreamer,
but I’m not the only one,
Every single victim wishes it was gone.
Imagine a day when they found the cure,
oh how wonderful that would be.

Kbeautifulmind.

Bless their kind hearts♡

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Hello everyone!
As you all may know if you know me personally or have been a regular visitor to my blog I am currently fighting cancer along side with my mom.
I have to say it’s one of the hardest things I have ever been through.
Recently my mom got very sick and had to make a visit to the ER, a place we hadn’t been to in a couple of months.This made me so sad being there again knowing she was in pain.
She had so much pain in her back and leg that she couldn’t take it. After being tested and what not the doctor had told us that the cancer was now making its way into the bones causing my mom that pain as well as slowly breaking them.
Even though he exaggerated a bit he had the right concept.
So I spoke to her doctor asking what was next and how could we get started ASAP!
He told me about a treatment of $4,000 and a couple of radiation sessions for the back and hip that can range from $1,500-$3,000 with her current coverage…
Of course as annoyed as we all ready are with this hole MEDICAL bull $*&t, I was even more annoyed at the fact that realistically I wasn’t going to have that money any time soon!!!
So I took a day and sat around to think about it…
“Maybe I’ll start playing the Lottery?”
“I can pull out a loan?”
“Write a letter to a radio station or Oprah?”
“A third job might be more realistic… but when will I have time to help my mom out?”
“A fundraiser page? Donations? That’s like begging I don’t think so, I hate pity…”

As I stressed on it the next day wondering what I was going to do I decided to swallow my pride and I guess you can say “ask for help” I looked into a couple of websites and finally found the right one. I lingered some more and swallowed my pride and gave it a try!

I couldn’t believe my eyes and ears after only a couple of days. The support was coming from everywhere!

It started with mostly family members, closed friends and loved ones.

Then a couple of strangers who don’t really know me but some how saw my kind heart and my struggle in this battle to help my momma out.

Then of course there was a couple people that caught me by surprise people I dated once, was friends with once, people who talked crap about me and or to me, but hey they still donated so they must have liked me at some point in their lives or just knew the kindness in my heart. It could also be pity which I knew I’d get… but it’s fine.

All I knew is the support is non stop, I’m getting lots of kind messages, and calls from people that I don’t even know or talk to much and it’s amazing!

My close loved once have took the time to also re-post my link and spread the word. I have a friend doing a “Cut for Cure” at her Salon to help me raise money! And over all everyone is giving me all these helping hands.
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I’d like to say…
Bless their kind hearts!

Because it honestly took so much out of me to even think of trying this, to even believe it was okay. My mother is the most independent warrior I know and she raised me to be the same. This battle has been so hard for me that I knew it was time to ask for a hand. The number of helping hands I have received have been more then I expected.

We and I say (WE) not (I) because I couldn’t have done this alone, have raised a total of $2,300 in a matter of 6 days!!!!
Can you say amazing!?!?!?

I’d just like to say thank you to all my supporters, donors, and readers! May God bless you all with a beautiful healthy life. If you have a minute please continue to share my link:
http://www.gofundme.com/6ezk9c
And help me raise money to get my mom on treatment as soon as possible!

Grateful;
Kbeautifulmind

I’ll crawl if I have to…

A couple of weeks ago I got in a small accident with some idiot and well long story short I currently don’t have a car.
I seriously wonder sometimes if I am going to die in some sort of car accident or car situation because I always have some sort of issue. Last year alone I had 5 flat tires; can you say, bad luck? -_-

Anyway so the point of sharing that is that since I don’t have a car I’m driving my mom’s car to work and school and what not. You don’t realize how much your car means to you till you don’t have it, sharing a car with my mom is a bit stressful.

Yesterday I went to work and my mom called me around 5 to see if I was going to make it to mass. I couldn’t make it do to work and I figured she wouldn’t go because she can’t really walk.

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I was wrong…

On my way home from work she called me to pick her and the boys up at church, I was so shocked wondering who had taken her or how they got there?

She took a taxi! Ha ha

I told her “Mom! A taxi? Why didn’t you just skip today, you can’t even walk!”

And she said to me…

“God doesn’t skip blessing me, or waking me up for another day, or making sure my kids and loved ones are safe… Therefor if I have to crawl to church one day out of the week for the rest of my life then I will!”

I was surprised by her answer and at the same time ashamed of myself for not thinking the same way.

It made me realize that like always she was right! God has been so good to us since she got diagnosed, and even when it seems like the road is ending he opens up another path for us.

Please take a minute to share my link:
http://www.gofundme.com/6ezk9c
As I try to raise money for my mom’s treatment!

Feeling alright!
Kbeautifulmind

Can we get 6,000…?

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It’s Friday after noon and I just called my mom to see how she was doing?
She is a bit better today, her back no longer hurts but she can barely walk, because the pain on the leg is still very strong.
We got a hold of the doctor after we left the hospital and clearly I was right (read my last post) the doctor at emergency over exaggerated a bit. I mean he wasn’t lying, yes cancer in the bone eventually eats up at the bones causing them to collapse. However my mom isn’t quiet there yet. The doctor said her cancer had not grown or moved compared to the last scan he did and that as long as we acted on it we can buy her some time.

Our next issue is the Medi-Cal, my mom has been waiting for an approval for full coverage for over a year now and every time it gets denied….

“She make to “much money!”” they say….

Yet she has no income at all coming in right now… Does that make any sense?

Anyway, as of now my mom has a monthly deductible of 1000 for any medical care that’s not including her treatments and medication.

Therefor even though the doctor has suggested a treatment that can prolong her life and radiation to decrease the pain, we have to either wait or get about $6,000 together to get things started.

Well as you all may predict my mouth dropped as I shead tears knowing there was no way I could get $6,000. My mom told me to stop crying “things will work out for the best.” Even though I appreciate her strength and I am glad she is so positive, I knew in that moment things won’t fall into place any time soon. Unless I could get $6,000 soon. I knew there was no way I was going to win the lottery or meet some one super wealthy that wouldn’t mind just giving me 6,000 dollars and I knew I couldn’t save that money on top of all the bills I have to pay with the kind of money I make. So I decided to swallow my pride and start a fundraiser. Well its not exactly a fundraiser I guess, it’s more like another way of begging for money which is why I kept questioning it and why I’m keeping it from my mom.
So far I’ve raised 265 dollars just telling a small summary of our crazy life story and if this is going to help get my mom treated faster then so be it. I don’t care if she finds out and gets mad, I don’t care what other’s have to say, I need her here with me and the fact that I can’t make things better kills me inside every single day. Therefore I will do anything to get her that treatment,  even if it’s considered begging.

I’m sorry mom that I am asking others for help but I’m not ready to give in to loosing you just yet and I still can’t handle all of this on my own.

For those of you interested in her status, I’ll keep you updated.

and if you care to donate or maybe even just want to share the link to help me spread the word….

Share this link on your social media pages and ask friends to share too! Let’s raise some money for my mommy! http://www.gofundme.com/6ezk9c

Until next time,
Kbeautifulmind

Now these are good friends…

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I’m currently at the hospital with my mom, she is in a lot, a lot of pain. I seriously hate this freaken disease. I am so so sleepy, I feel bad for being sleepy because I know she needs me right now!

Not only is seeing her in pain frustrating but it’s also all so confusing.

She just had a cat scan so we are waiting for results. She has this bad pain in her lower back, she can’t move at all, we know there is cancer now by her spine but it has been there for a while and as far as we know it’s not really harmful yet…

She had to pee, and she couldn’t even move so her two friends had to help me lift her, pull her panties down and slip something underneath to catch her pee…

With unbearable pain and all, as we saw all of her naked parts she looked at me and said “Now these are good friends” and like always she was right, she has close amazing friends that always have her back.

1 1/2 hours later…

Results came back, it sounds weird but I hate how these doctors explain…

“Results show there is pieces of mass on her spine, which is causing her pain, if something isn’t done soon it will continue to eat at it till her bones collaps.”

I wanted to say “Dude RELAX”

So I began to ask, what does the scan show? How do you know it is IN the bones?”

“Well it’s right next to the spine”

“Yes I know that, it has been there since she got diagnosed”

Basically long story short they over exaggerate. I mean I understand they don’t have all her history so what they see is what they say, however they need to relax!

I have to say they make me more nervous….

It can’t be moving fast through her body, it just can’t!……. I pray not…

30 minutes later…

Taking her home in a bit, making a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, let’s see what’s next.

Feeling a bit sad;
Kbeautifulmind